I have worked with many thousands of parents over more than four decades and believe that it is the hardest job in the world. I have also parented four children, now all adults, but the work continues and always will. It is a job like no other in that there is no job specification, no salary or expense account, and involves huge responsibility. In addition, there is no shortage of scrutiny and criticism for how you go about things and at one point or another, usually during adolescence, your biggest critics may be the children you have worked so hard to parent.
A huge variety of parenting styles exists, reflecting the unique characteristics of the adults, children and social circumstances involved and it is therefore a challenge to make generalisations or to be prescriptive. However, my clinical experience supports what research on parenting has to say about the qualities of effective parents. In summary these are:
- High aspirations
- Positive talk about education
- Intelligence
- Warmth
- Communicative ability
- Enthusiasm
- Stability/continuity
I plan to write separate articles on each of the seven points above but today shall focus upon the first: ‘High aspirations’. The overwhelming majority of parents want the best for their children and work hard to support and care for them. There’s a lot of anecdote and opinion supporting the idea that to achieve excellence in specialist fields such as sports, music, drama, language etc. children must start as young as possible. However, there are exceptions to this rule too as every field seems to have its late starters. This mixture of what the child brings, i.e. their innate qualities and aptitudes and what parents can bring, e.g. encouragement, physical resources, time, emotional support and organisation, is a complicated one and hard to unravel. However, if the child shows signs of talent and interest and is actively supported by their parents and given the right opportunities to succeed it is reasonable to suppose that they will achieve some success over time.
Apart from producing unhappiness and the potential threats to the child’s overall development and wellbeing it is generally a pointless approach because the child is not likely to achieve the desired goals or put in the required work to achieve them.
Unfortunately, I have encountered some cases where the child has been subjected to forced and prolonged practice and training that is excessive and it is clear that the regime set up by their parents is not within their particular mental and physical comfort levels. Apart from producing unhappiness and the potential threats to the child’s overall development and wellbeing it is generally a pointless approach because the child is not likely to achieve the desired goals or put in the required work to achieve them.
Of course, just like parenting, coaching a child to achieve excellence in a given field is not an exact science and it is impossible to predict what results may be achieved over time but the guiding principle should be that the child is healthy, happy and developing along age appropriate lines in all areas, eg cognitive, physical, emotional and social. When parents are asked what they want for their children, the most common answer I hear is for them to be happy. For many children this may not be through focusing upon one particular activity or field and achieving excellence but for some it might. Personally and professionally, I would say the parents, being experts in their own children, are well placed to judge but the wisest and most effective ones will balance this by being open to suggestions and discussion with other involved adults and, of course, their children.
The author is a chartered educational psychologist who has provided applied psychology services to private individuals, schools and the community in a range of fields including education, health, sport and the media. She served as Chair of the Division of Educational and Child Psychology, British Psychological Society (BPS) in 2002 and continues to contribute actively to the work of the Society through media-related work. Her website is www.drkairencullen.com and she may be reached at [email protected]