Experience is key to true knowledge. It is not for nothing that it has been said that the wading feet alone are aware of the true depth of water and that surveying eyes, however watchful, are a poor guide even where water is clear and totally transparent. A life lived sensibly and sensitively ripens a person in the true sense. The very questions that confound us early on are easily answered at later stages and the answers grow more extensive and more comprehensive all the time.
There is great variety in the stories of unhappy families. Every unhappy family, it has been said, is unhappy in its own unique way. Their stories vary by economic class, by region, by race and language, by religion and sect and yet there are all essentially the same. Like houses, where pillars are always erect and there is a floor always under your feet and a roof overhead. I hear many kinds of messy stories. I hear about ugliness, about fears and rage and desperation. I see people wandering in all directions for solutions to their problems, real and imaginary, and I am always aware of the solutions, the same solutions, that escape them because they don’t recognise them.
At a subconscious level, it seems, most of us love our difficulties. We learn to derive a perverse pleasure from it and grow addicted to to it. We leave important issues unattended, and unresolved. The misery grows until it encompasses everything we are aware of.
Lots of women approach me with a request to handle their divorce cases. In most cases, I delay the matter to allow them as much time as possibe to review their decision. In the end, everybody who really wants a divorce, gets a divorce.
To prepare the briefs, I carefully go over the backgrounds of the parties to the dispute. Over time I have come to recognise several patterns. The one common theme every time is the parents. In all the unhappy families I have come across, the parents or parent (if there was only one) were negligent, selfish and self-centred. Apparently it is a childhood spent with such parents that predisposes children for relationship diffiuclties.
Single parent children are easy preys for less-than-altruistic relations, acquaintances of one of their parents, neighbours and strangers. Many are forced to leave school prematurely. Others do poorly at their studies. Many of the foster parents dump a lot of chores on the children
I wonder what it is about some people that drives them to seek companionship and children but does not allow them to dedicate enough time and attention to the welafre of their children once they become parents. I am really at a loss to understand their priorities in life. Neglected children are children at risk. A larger proportion of them become vicitms of sexual abuse. Too many of them are attracted to extremist ideoogoes. They also have trust issues and have difficulty recognizing faithfulness, devotion and sacrifice.
Neglected children are also confused children. They have difficulty holding on to concrete ideas. They doubt verything and everyone and are always revising their views and plans. They are also revising all the basic concepts. They cannot fisnish anything they start, taking a step back every time they have taken a step forward. They are stranded at every crossroads. As the number of neglected children grows, it is becoming harder to come across clearheaded people.
The problem is not limited by gender or a child’s intelligence level. In fact, some very intelligent children show greater sensitivity to neglect and grow into dangerously abnormal adults.
The mental health of a family depends upon the behaviour of the parents. This is all the more important in case of divorcing parents. In most cases the guardian judges are forced to ask the children which of the parents they want to live with. This is a question few children are preapred for even when they have been coached quite thoroughly. They look from one to the other, clutch the mother’s hand, call their father and as soon as they have settled for one they start crying for the other.
The forced separation is traumatic. Many children start having nightmares and lose sleep. Some of them stop laughing altogether. Others shun happy events like birthdays, festivals and celebrations. Many develop eating disorders.
Then there is the lack of true guardianship. Single parent children are easy preys for less than altruistic relations, acquaintances of one of their parents, neighbours and strangers. Many are forced to leave school prematurely. Others do poorly at their studies. Many of the foster parents dump a lot of chores on the children.
I have seen too many of such families for comfort. The responsibility for the welfare of the children lies with both parents. They must do all they can for their children. In some cases it can really test one’s patience, but then the rewards are immense.
The writer is a practicing lawyer